they always have to end. well, yeah. pretty much always, at this point.

i dont want it to end badly. i really, really dont, but i know it will. and god, how i hate it. it makes me miserable in an oddly disconnected way.

can i just see him and talk to him? just for a little bit? i mean, how much longer can i hold on to it? i almost feel like i should end it now because i'm swept up in the emotions of it all. but, honestly, i'm not strong enough. i just want a few more moments with him, just to be selfish.

and i know however empowered i feel talking to friends, or family, i will never feel that confident in what i should do or want to do when im with him. i'm going to try to keep it together, but it's really difficult. i hate the thought that, if i do go through with it, it will only get worse. a lot worse.

Wow, I forgot LJ exists.

Uhhh. I had mono! YAY! /no.

After reading some old posts and looking at pictures of people at Warren Prom on facebook, I kinda miss home :( I feel guilty because I haven't talked to people in forever and I should because I love them and miss them.

Did I mention I had mono? It sucked the big one.

I'm going to University of Rochester... I think everyone knew that.

Economics is rly hrd. I think everyone knew that, too.

High school needs to end. It needs to, but I'm not sure if I want it to. I like high school, but I also dislike high school. College should be exciting, though.

But I still have 'til June 11, so... Yeah.

So these past couple of days I've been feeling really... off. I mean, not just dealing with drama both home and here, but then just missing home in general, and then college apps constantly in my mind. Today I actually didn't go to school because I feel like i'm having some kind of weird, depressive panick attack. I'm just so terrified of growing up. I mean, I have no idea how life works. I know what my naive hopes and dreams have been my whole life, but things are never going to be how I'm going to anticipate them to be. I don't think I'll ever be as successful as I've always seen myself becoming. It makes me feel ridiculous, but mostly aimless. Maybe if I go home for winter break it'll help, but I'm not sure why I even think that. I scared myself last night, because I had one of those moments where you can see the logic in suicide. I feel better now, though. Just don't know what to do with myself. Now, or in a month, in a year, in ten years. It's like there's a drop-off point, and I've been trying to materialize some kind of solid path in my brain, but there isn't one there.

i don't know if this guy likes me, and i don't know if i like him.

mostly, i'm pissed that i care about this while i should be worried about college/homework/les mis auditions.

whatever.

I has a boyfriend. :)

His name is Chad and he is wonderful and makes me smile and...

I'm quite happy that I'm not regretting moving here as much as I was a month ago. Everything about Rochester is slowly, but surely getting better. I feel like I'm finding my niche, and it's about time. I'm simply happy, and it's ridiculous how much it takes to muster that little emotion.

I bought an Obama shirt and wore it to school today. While I'll admit I was making as much as a fashion statement as a political one, it still gave me this odd empowerment. In Spanish today we were discussing politics, because our new unit is (drumroll, please) politics. My teacher told us how in Spain and in Europe as a whole students are a lot more involved in politics, and hold very strong opinions on political ideals and such. I think that's really cool, and I decided in college I'm going to participate in a lot more political stuff.

Yeah, I know, I say "I hate politics". It's true. But it's the horror film kinda hate. The hate that you can't help but love, the hate you can't help but stare at and obsess over.

In any case (lol jcheng), I will conclude this post with: EEEE Chad makes me happy :).

Last night was the first time in the three months I've lived here that I ACTUALLY had a good time.

I went out with some kids I met from the play, and then some of their friends, and I (wait for it...) had fun!

We went to the Cheesecake Factory (/goodbye half of my paycheck), which was really fun. I discovered that not only do half of them worship Joss Whedon, but they also made references to Rock Band and Powerthirst. Hells yes. The only bad part was that, of the three guys I thought were cute, two were taken and one was gay. :( Oh well. I had such a good time, I didn't even care!

After that, we went to Barnes & Noble to sneak onto the enormous service elevator (omg, it's like a small bedroom). But then some dude saw us, and definitely walked down to the first floor and stood in front of the elevator doors there to wait for us to come down and screw us over. Thankfully somebody saw him doing this, and then we ran out of there so fast, and the dude was still waiting for us to come down the elevator. lolz.

Then we went to Wegmans (also known as Weggies), the grocery store, which is also twice the size of Jewel, and played hide and go seek. 0_0 It was SO great. Only it was a special version, in which you couldn't hide (or else people would get suspicious), and you couldn't run (ditto other reason). Once the person who was it found someone, they would have to tag them, and then that person was it. So after a while, you wouldn't know who was it. /Okay, now this sounds so lame... but it was so much fun! I felt like I was in a spy movie, because everyone was walking really fast and looking all around them and being all paranoid about who's it.

Then we went to this one guy's house and played Scattergories and Apples to Apples, and those games are just always awesome. They also have an intensely politically incorrect sense of humor, which is good. Oh, and best Scattergories answer ever? Famous actress with the letter 'P': Parker Poesy. YES.

So yeah, I'm like freaking out because I actually found people I might be able to get along with. Although, when I got home, it kinda made me miss everyone back home a little more intensely... But idk, while I was hanging out, it was kind of a temporary cure.

Okay, so I didn't hate it. I don't want to go crawl in a corner now, or something.

But it's a lot different--a lot to take in. There's no disguising or minimizing the newness of everything. I didn't think it would be a hindrance, but it kinda of is. I knew that there were going to be differences between Warren and here, but some I didn't see coming, things that I just assumed were the same at all schools. I'll adjust, it's just a bit much at first.

Well, I guess that paired with homework, extra-curriculars (or at least the ones I'm trying to get involved with), college apps, and an attempt at a social life is a bit much.

But somebody did point out the "Regina George" to me. I guess I'll avoid that person.

the annoying thing about meeting new people when you have no friends is that you can't be too quick to judge. because they are, potentially and quite possibly, your only friends for a while.

so you try to focus on the good parts, like how they're funny and nice and not anorexic or potheads.

and you try to not focus on the bad parts, like how half of them smoke and drink a good amount and how one has a piercing on a uniquely male part of his body. (didn't see it, only heard about it)

i cant decide if i want school to start yet or not. ugh. can i just go to college? is that all right?

nevermind. i don't want to apply to college.

can i just get accepted somewhere without an application? is that possible?

Time is an asshole, I've decided. It doesn't sympathize with anyone, it always works against you.

Surprise, surprise: I passed my school's routine entrance exam, unofficially titled (by me) "let's check to make sure you aren't completely retarded".

A year from now i'll be moving into a dorm room. Can't decide whether I'm excited or not. Dorm rooms (at least the ones i've been in at IU and U of I) are really small. I hope I get a good roomie, like one that isn't a stingy conservative, or one that refuses to bath and smokes pot.

Also can't decide whether I want school to start quite yet. I guess about two weeks is a sufficient bit of summer left to be a lazy ass.

And just when I thought my social life was so boring that it needed a dramatic face lift, this whole fiasco happens. Drama just isn't fun, kids. Botox probably isn't fun, either.

Holy mother of God.


Riding a jet ski = riding a mustang x riding a motorcycle + splash water falls.


I almost fell off (my brother nearly dragged me into the water), and then I did fall off. I faced one my greatest fears (swimming in the questionably murky depths of lake water) on accident.

The plus: In my bathing suit, straddling a motorized vehicle of doom, my hair wet and flying like it had a mind of its own (see: Heavenly Sword), I definitely felt like a Bond girl.


P.S.: I saw an Amish carriage today. Three times. Same carriage.

P.P.S.: I also saw an Opera today, Verdi's "La Traviata". I felt very high-society. Also, Moulin Rouge is definitely the exact same story. Who knew.

P.P.P.S.: Shut up, summer reading, just SHUT UP. (shut up, feet, just SHUT UP.)

P.P.P.P.S.: I might get a summer job/internship at Chautauqua next summer, so I would have to live up here for like 9 weeks. Sounds crazy.



Fuck yes for life experiences.

So I went to this huge bookstore today that sold ENORMOUS amounts of books today. They had this one section called "Literature and Classics", and there were these huge, tall, cramped bookshelves with tons of editions of all of these famous books and authors. It was really interesting that when I saw some of these books I actually thought of some of my friends, i.e.:

-I saw a really old copy of "The Prince" that was pretty much falling apart at the seams, and also a small, aged copy of "Candide", and both reminded me of Karenina.

-I saw this beautiful old copy, in good shape, too, of Wuthering Heights, which of course reminded me of Emily :)

-I saw these huge, old books by Homer (Iliad, Odyssey, etc.) and they all reminded me of Brandon.

I ended up buying a 1938 edition of a compilation of Ernest Hemingway short stories! AHH! I love it soo much!! I really enjoyed the ones we read in school, and so I bought it so I could read even more! It has a preface in the beginning that was actually written by Ernest Hemingway! It's really interesting, especially this snippet:

"Reading [the stories] over, the ones I liked the best, outside of those that have achieved some notoriety so that school teachers include them in story collections that their pupils have to buy in story courses, and you are always faintly embarrassed to read them and wonder whether you really wrote them or did you maybe hear them somewhere, are The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber, In Another COuntry, Hills Like White Elephants, A Way You'll Never Be, The Snows of Kilimanjaro, A Clean Well-Lighted Place, and a story called The Light of the World which nobody else ever liked."

I thought that was interesting, but also kind of ironic, because we ended up reading more than half of those in "story collections... in story courses." Heh.

So yeah, just me being a geek. :D

So yeah, just tell me what you think. It's a really rough draft.

Also, WARNING: I am NOT as much of a bitch as I make myself out to be. Mostly it's exaggerated for contrast... But y'know. Just... don't hate me.


((The prompt was to talk about a person who has influenced you.))


This is not creativity. This is not style. This is me talking to you.

Mr. Edler was going to be my English teacher for my Junior year, according to my tentative schedule I received a few months before school began. Edler, another name to slip at the end of a perpetually elongating list of English teachers who were left in shock and awe by my writing ability. It was a routine I had mastered by the first grade: write a paper, let the teacher grade it, act surprised and delighted when the teacher showers me with praise, and then contently bask in a year’s worth of aggrandizement. This year was sure to be no different.

After those famous last words drifted about in my head the entire summer, I strolled into the first day of English with a head the size of a small planet. As I suspected, the first essay I wrote was returned to me with positive comments and a strong suggestion of entering my work in the school’s literary magazine. I could smell a recommendation letter cooking already.

Only a couple months later I heard those fateful letters: NCTE, or the National Committee of Teachers of English. It was a writing contest, a few friends told me casually; you had to be chosen by your English teacher to participate. They pick people for their creativity and individual style, one person added. I was not picked.

It was my first taste of failure, of defeat, and I did not savor it. I had been foolish, churning out half-hearted work to earn undeserved glory. Mr. Edler never gave me above a 94% on a paper. He never referred to me as one of his best students, and he did not choose me for that contest. He made me realize that if I wanted to be a writer, I had to want it with all my body and––now deflated––mind. It was only by hitting the bottom that I could look up see how far away the top really was.

Mr. Edler taught me a lesson I will never forget: I write because it is what I love, and there is nothing more rewarding than that.

Forgot to add two things about the Senior girls I met.

1. They refer to themselves as "Bratz". Yes. As in the slutty pre-teen dolls. Not only that, but each girl has an assigned "Bratz" counterpart.

2. They listen to Hannah Montana. Willingly.

Enough said.

After meeting some new people today (these were Seniors), I've become enlightened about several things:

1. People who live in Pittsford are snobby, anorexic douche-bags.
2. People in Brighton like walking. A lot. Everywhere.
3. If you get average scores on your finals, and your Dad doesn't give you your texting priveleges back, then "FUCK HIM!"
4. Quite frequently (as in three times in five minutes), people enjoy shouting profanities at each other from their cars at people walking on the sidewalk, and vice versa.
5. It is common to sneak into the movie theatre without paying for your ticket.
6. It's hilarious when your friend posted how wasted he got last night on his facebook.
7. It is common to talk about sex and how annoying it is when your parents won't leave you alone with your boyfriend.
8. Cleavage is very acceptable in Brighton. Especially to the point of seeing part of the nipple.
9. Running around in the street, and then shouting at cars for almost hitting you, is common teenage practice.
10. Even girls in New York are in love with Edward Cullen.

I was also enlightened about things at a meeting with my counselor:

1. Brighton High School is great.
2. Really, Brighton High School is really great.
3. I have to take Physics.
4. I also have to be tutored to take New York "regents" exams.
5. The room for the newspaper, although nicer than the one at Warren, smells like a combination of mold, BO, shit, and the worst odor you have ever encountered.

The good news:

1. The auditorium has a balcony.
2. The library (now that I went inside) is two floors, complete with winding staircase.
3. I'm not sitting in my room all day long.
4. I got a 4 on my APUS, a 5 on my AP Lang n Comp, and a 4 on my AP Spanish exams. Yay.

...

Can I come back home now?

i just miss you guys.

Just kidding, it's not that exciting.

I kinda visited my school today. Rather unofficially, though. We walked inside, slapped on some bright yellow "visitor" stickers, and walked around while kids were taking finals. It's definitely an older school, but it's well-kept and has some class. They have a decent library (better than Almond's, but that's not hard), and a band and an orchestra room. We ran into the orchestra director, talked to her for a while, and found out that they "don't do seating" in band...

mmk, what the FUCK!?

How do you NOT do seating in band? Like, it's just one big free-for-all?

No way. That's fucked. I'm not sure what I think about that.

Whatever.

I also turned in some applications. I really want to work at Starbucks, but I think my chances are about 1,000-1.

I already want to kill my brother. I don't know how I'm going to survive much longer.

Miss all of you tremendously.

P.S.: The kids here look like kids from Lake Forest. It's disconcerting.

No joke. We figured out today the neighborhood we live in is called "Bel-Air". That is insanely awesome for a neighborhood that so far could pass for a grave yard.

So, I'm fairly convinced my next-door neighbors are vampires. I have several reasons why:
1. It's very cloudy in Rochester, they wouldn't have to worry about the sun too much.
2. They're blinds are always shut.
3. I haven't seen anyone emerge from that house since I've gotten here.
4. They are the only people that live by us that haven't come over to welcome us.
5. They have a really nice car in the drive way.

My house is pretty cool, but right now it's filled with boxes are there is dust from the construction they're doing in the attic EVERYWHERE. I feel like I need to wear a mask, if not for sanitary reasons then just to look bad-ass.

I'm so happy they set up the internet already. While I could live without sheets on my bed for another day, I DEFINITELY could not live without internet for another day. God, it's an addiction.

I already miss everyone, but I'm trying to distract myself with unpacking and organizing so I don't have to think about back home. Yeah, it definitely doesn't feel like home here. Yet, at least. I feel like I'm putting all of my shit in somebody else's room. Hopefully it'll feel like home soon enough.

I feel like I'm in a really weird limbo right now. I am mostly here, but I feel myself sort of getting ready to step off into a new life. I wanted for the longest time to stay here, and I feel myself here, and it feels totally normal and right, but I don't know. There's this subconscious tug to something new. It's scary, though, because I've never been on the edge of something this unknown. My whole high school career I've been observing and waiting for what will happen in my final year, and now I'm embarking on a year that will be completely unlike what I have prepared for. I knew I would be a drum major with Jenna during band camp, I knew that I would be in the fall play with Trey and Jon, I knew I would force Emily to go to homecoming again, I knew I would have teachers like Mr. Mayne or Ms. Metcalfe, I knew I'd have Senior Lunch and be an Editor in Chief for Scratch Paper, I knew I'd sit first chair with Carianne, I knew I'd cry at State with KS and others, no matter what place we'd get, just because marching band was over, I knew there would be more co-ed sleepovers, I knew there would be more Panera study sessions, I knew there would be more late-night cramming sessions online, I knew there would be more early mornings with speech team, I knew I would try to make Regional Entry again, I knew we would go to Superstate again, I knew I would make Brandon go to Prom with me as my best friend, I knew all of the awards banquets and awards, I knew which ones I'd probably win and which ones other people would win, I knew what teachers I would want to say goodbye to, which ones I'd ask recommendation letters from and which ones I would try to forget for the rest of my life, I knew how people ditched and how I would try to one day, I knew the halls and the routes and the school.

I know nothing about next year. I'm terrified, but ecstatic. I've thought about it and known about it long enough that I can picture myself there, in a house and a town I've only seen once. I can see myself living there, walking around town, sitting in class. I've created a life for myself before I've actually started it, and now I feel like I'm going to walk into a story I've written in my mind.

I think about next year in Brighton all the time, but only because I can't really bear to think about next year in Gurnee.

NO!

Proposterous.

I am NOT incredibly, absolutely, disgustingly excited that a certain someone decided to come to my going away party.

No way.

Actually, I could care less.

>.>

I mean, life really isn't that bad, it's just not that great right now.

I want school to be over so badly, but at the same time I don't want it to end because I know it'll be my last year with all of my friends.

And then I was all depressed when the seniors left, because I know I'll most likely never see some of them again.

And there is just a general grey veil thrown over my life right now. I'm don't really feel happy anymore, and everything I do has a looming sense of finality over it. My stomach hurts all of the time, but I'm never hungry.

And my parents want me to work at this "really good bagel shop", but I don't like bagels.