So these past couple of days I've been feeling really... off. I mean, not just dealing with drama both home and here, but then just missing home in general, and then college apps constantly in my mind. Today I actually didn't go to school because I feel like i'm having some kind of weird, depressive panick attack. I'm just so terrified of growing up. I mean, I have no idea how life works. I know what my naive hopes and dreams have been my whole life, but things are never going to be how I'm going to anticipate them to be. I don't think I'll ever be as successful as I've always seen myself becoming. It makes me feel ridiculous, but mostly aimless. Maybe if I go home for winter break it'll help, but I'm not sure why I even think that. I scared myself last night, because I had one of those moments where you can see the logic in suicide. I feel better now, though. Just don't know what to do with myself. Now, or in a month, in a year, in ten years. It's like there's a drop-off point, and I've been trying to materialize some kind of solid path in my brain, but there isn't one there.

So, I'm really sad that Speech Team is over for me. I guess I hadn't really braced myself for it... It would've been a lot better if I knew that I was moving all season, so I could know that I really had to kick ass and take names so I could go out with a bang.

I mean, looking at people like Jon and Trey make me feel like I could've tried so much harder and could've done so much better. I don't want to beat myself up about it, but it's true. I know it.

I'm not in the Senior mind-set at all... And I really feel like I should be, or people and memories will just whiz by without my savoring them. It's even worse, too, because it ISN'T my time to be a Senior... I don't want to say goodbye. This may sound horrible, but it also sucks because people know I'm a Junior, and think I'm coming back next year, so I kinda feel like I'll just fall out without notice.

Mainly, though, I just really, really, really don't want to let go of Speech Team. Even though I'm not an actress, and it's not the world to me, it still holds a really dear place in my heart. I don't usually get emotional, so I wasn't like crying or anything at the ceremony, but I just couldn't really take it all in.

I guess there's still the musical/one act.

So yeah, just stating the obvious, but I'm seriously reallly upset that Heath Ledger died. Like, I was just watching stuff about it on CNN, and there was a little "homage" thing to him with clips from all his movies... and I got sooo depressed!!! Like, he was such a great actor! And was never properly realized with an Oscar! He had so much potential! And a little girl!

Ugh, life is so sad.

So yeah, I'm in Chautauqua/have been for the last week. I've been completely internet-less except now, of course, because the library here has wifi and I definitely did NOT know...

Vacation is awesome. Laying around and doing NOTHING but reading Harry Potter, playing cards, sleeping, and eating. Good times.

I also saw a play called "The Just", which was really good, it was very intense and dramatic. It was about the Russian Revolution of 1905 (yay AP euro geeks who know that it kinda failed to do anything) and yeah, about angsty revolutionaries.

( HP SPOILERS!!!!!! )

I know I've been posting like every day, but I don't know... I just like posting when I'm sick and depressed, I guess.

Today I had the virus thingy that Brandon gave me. It's not fun. And I still don't feel well. And I think I have like a miniature cold on top of it... So that's definitely not fun.

I watched a lot of movies today. My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Pirates of the Carribean II, Gone with the Wind, part of Mrs. Doubtfire. I'd never seen Gone with the Wind before, and it definitely isn't what I expected. I can see why it's a classic... But, geez, DAMN you Scarlet O'Hara, you're so STUPID!!

Thank you Em, Karenina, Brandon for all being here for me. I can't say how much it means to me.

The movies and the sickness kinda had me distracted today...