So these past couple of days I've been feeling really... off. I mean, not just dealing with drama both home and here, but then just missing home in general, and then college apps constantly in my mind. Today I actually didn't go to school because I feel like i'm having some kind of weird, depressive panick attack. I'm just so terrified of growing up. I mean, I have no idea how life works. I know what my naive hopes and dreams have been my whole life, but things are never going to be how I'm going to anticipate them to be. I don't think I'll ever be as successful as I've always seen myself becoming. It makes me feel ridiculous, but mostly aimless. Maybe if I go home for winter break it'll help, but I'm not sure why I even think that. I scared myself last night, because I had one of those moments where you can see the logic in suicide. I feel better now, though. Just don't know what to do with myself. Now, or in a month, in a year, in ten years. It's like there's a drop-off point, and I've been trying to materialize some kind of solid path in my brain, but there isn't one there.

I mean, life really isn't that bad, it's just not that great right now.

I want school to be over so badly, but at the same time I don't want it to end because I know it'll be my last year with all of my friends.

And then I was all depressed when the seniors left, because I know I'll most likely never see some of them again.

And there is just a general grey veil thrown over my life right now. I'm don't really feel happy anymore, and everything I do has a looming sense of finality over it. My stomach hurts all of the time, but I'm never hungry.

And my parents want me to work at this "really good bagel shop", but I don't like bagels.

This just in: Kelsey's life is the same as always!

Her life will see some scattered AP exams, but some eventual sunshine when this school year finally ends.

Meanwhile, in the Empire State, her house is bought and high school investigated. Experts predict a summer job in her future.


(Yeah, I just updated my LJ like a news bulletin. Whatcha gonna do?)